I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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