I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
