One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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