the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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