he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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