i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
