Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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