everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wish i was in the wii world.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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