I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
