I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
