I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
