I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
