At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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