I will die if light touches me.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
