i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
