and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
