The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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