Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
