I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
