dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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