you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
