Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
