He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
