There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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