I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
