I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
