i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
