walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
