my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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