I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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