he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
