I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
