I'm gonna have a badass scar
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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