I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
