I wanna passion pit in your ass
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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