I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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