you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
