Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
