Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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