I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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