hotel room ftw
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize