Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
