You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize