Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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