I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
