wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
