so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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