We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
