I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We are two peas in an std pod
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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