My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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