mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
