You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
