Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
