so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
