I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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