Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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