I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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