Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize