i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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