I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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