Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The Olympian is in my bed
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
