you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
